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“Before I Go To The Parade” or “Before the Parade Passes By”
By Steven Fales | July 24, 2010
Before I go to the Pioneer Day Parade (the local one with the kids in their little red wagons dressed in bonnets and perhaps dressed as a Book of Mormon character), I would like to say one last thing about the recent suicide of Todd Ransom. I just read his obituary. What a great guy. We were facebook friends. I’m not sure we met, but chances are he just may have seen some of my work. And we could have even had coffee.
My recent blog posting was bold. And I don’t retract it. If I have ruffled my ex-wife’s fans and patrons and have lost a few fans myself, that is fine. You’ll be back. I have a national audience and I am not too concerned that many Affirmation members have defected from my camp. We’ve had a wonderful relationship. But relationships have ups and downs. Sometimes we grow apart. But I have a hunch we will all reconcile.
I must repeat that I have seen far too many of my own family members kill themselves. I have thought about the effects these suicides in my family have had on me for months. I believe if there is any blame at all in this last local suicide, Todd’s FAMILY must speak to that. But in the end, TODD is to blame. It made me sick to see Todd used as a political “F-U!” up on Capital Hill. Is it so cruel that I would write a blog sharing my intense feelings? Who held the vigil first? And if I am entitled to one last cynical question, “Did anyone film it?!” Can I buy a copy through the next HRC newsblast?
What disturbs me about FACING EAST and 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION is that this sentimental “Mormon” Art (Watch any good LDS propaganda film and see the comparison in poor craft and writing all based on sentimental manipulation, audience’s euphoric hype, and old-fashioned priestcraft) not only exploits, but it perpetuates the myth that we are victims. No great civil rights movement had victims. And I will be discussing this far more in my work. Utah’s gay rights movement has been in a comfort zone for far too long with opportunistic mascots who are well-meaning say what the community wants to hear instead of what they need to hear, straight allies who are after pink dollars first, and sugar daddies and sugar mamas that enable all kinds of insanity. Fabulous is killing us, too. (I don’t even use that word anymore. Fantastic is even rationed.)
I tell my own story. And when I include others, they have signed depiction releases that I have purchased. And I don’t let anyone tell my story for me. They will always use it and spin it to the point where you won’t even recognize it. Beware of who you let tell your story. I have turned down offers time and time again. But dang it, I let Tyra Banks use it. Darn! Glad she only got ten minutes out of me. Don’t you just hate bad daytime TV?
If I am confronting to those who want to hold fast and dear to their victim status, so be it. I have recently been attacked as if I were the Christian Right. But I’ve had enough recent emails from local folks championing my blog entry, telling me I have nailed it on the head. I’ll keep posting all comments, even the most “vitriolic” comments. I’ve endured much worse. I can handle this. I think it’s a little much to ask me as a New York-forged artist who’s returned from the trenches to come back to Zion and be NICE? That’s been your job, folks. He’s dead. “You carry them, you bury them!” (Did you hear that Carol Lynn Pearson?) But I will be very nice to the Mormons who I’m about to have breakfast with. It’s big neighborhood breakfast here in Sugarhouse. Lots of nice your families. Yes, I’ll mingle with these sinners. Hate the Mormonism, love the Mormon!
As for me mentioning Todd’s drinking based only on his facebook photos. I don’t know if he was drunk when he died. Or if he needed help or treatment for mind-altering substances, but my point in bringing it up is that IT IS NEVER BROUGHT UP. Just a lovely obituary that never tells us the real story. Many suicides are alcohol and drug related. And if you’ve ever seen someone leave the church and then run to the bars, you’ll understand that drinking on pain and resentment is a formula for disaster.
If we are not looking at the relationship between alcohol, drugs, and suicide, we are not addressing the needs in Utah. This silence condones and is killing us. I’m tired of those who don’t like to hear mention of anything pertaining to sobriety because they can’t stand to hear about that old Mormon “Word of Wisdom.” Or they hate to be told not to have all the sex they want because of that old wicked “Law of Chastity” that was unfairly used against them when the Brenthren confused sexual orientation with sexual addiction and excommunicated them.
Well go to the big cities, fellas. You will see rooms filled with gay men who are sober and abstinent AND ALIVE. Some are finding happiness. Because they are finding the help that the Mormon Church cannot give. And that the bars cannot give either. And Manhunt cannot give either. As long as there are choices and recovery from Mormonism, crystal, of whatever ails us, we are not victims.
For my own health as a gay man, I need to call suicide what it is. I have walked on the dark side. I was slowly killing myself. (By the way, do you know how many gays have done sex work? Or have binged on crystal? Keep the drug addict whore statements at bay. Nine years clean from sex work, fellas. That’s 90 years in gay life.) And if I’m considered narcissistic, well, I learned it from the best. Do my genealogy on that one to figure it out. That old label was used far too long to discredit me. And it will prove outdated in time. Just because my pictures on the poster doesn’t mean I don’t have something very legitimate to say. And I’ve earned my opinion.
I AM NOT A VICTIM. NOT EVEN OF H8.
I’m sorry Todd. So impressed you had a degree. And that you were a singer. My cousin that killed himself in March was trying to get his GED. Rest in peace, both of you.
Todd Curtis Ransom 1982 ~ 2010 Todd Curtis Ransom departed this life on July 19, 2010. He was born on July 11, 1982 in Princeton, New Jersey. He grew up in Tucson, Arizona and Orem, Utah, where he graduated from Timpanogos High School in 2000. He graduated with honors from the University of Utah in May 2009, earning a BS degree in biomedical engineering. Before his death he worked at BD Medical in Salt Lake City. Todd was a talented singer. He was a member of the Timpanogos High School Show & Chamber choir and sang in the BYU Men’s Chorus. He loved to sing, play the guitar, and write. He loved the outdoors and taking photographs of beautiful scenery. For many years Todd dealt with emotional pain that we could not understand. In spite of this, he was sensitive and kind and had many friends. We know he has found peace and that we will see him again. We all loved him very much and will miss him deeply. We will always remember his laughter, twinkling blue eyes, big dimpled smile and long, loving hugs. Todd is survived by his parents, Michael and Laurie Ransom of Orem, his siblings James Ransom (Celeste) of New York City, Melissa Gonzalez (Israel) of Lehi, Tyler Ransom (Nichole) of Durham, North Carolina, and Jessica Ransom of Orem. He is also survived by his grandparents, William and Michele Wilson of Kailua, Hawaii and many aunts, uncles and cousins. Todd had a special bond with the Jacquez family of East Carbon, Utah and considered them his second family. The family invites friends to join them at a viewing at the Sundberg-Olpin Mortuary, 495 S. State Street in Orem on Sunday, July 25, from 6 to 8 p.m. Funeral services will take place at 11 a.m. on Monday, July 26 at the Heatheridge LDS Stake Center, 450 E. 2000 N. in Orem, with a viewing there from 9:30 to 10:30 a.m. A brief graveside service will follow the funeral at Orem City Cemetery.
Topics: Steven Fales | 7 Comments »
July 24th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
The brutal truth.
Hey, maybe everybody is right from their own perspective.
July 25th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
“Todd dealt with emotional pain that we could not understand”
They refused to understand.
July 25th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
“But in the end, TODD is to blame.”
Your lengthy post seems to completely miss explaining how he is to blame for his suffering and choice.
July 26th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
He’s not selling brutal truth. He’s selling himself… still.
July 27th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
“If I have ruffled my ex-wife’s fans and patrons and have lost a few fans myself, that is fine. You’ll be back. I have a national audience and I am not too concerned that many Affirmation members have defected from my camp.”
Arrogance.
July 28th, 2010 at 7:58 pm
Rest in peace Todd, someday there will be a memorial for you and every other Mormon lost to suicide. It will be located right next to the Mountain Meadow Massacre, the killing of innocents.
August 18th, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Once again, Mr Fales writes a whole piece that is nothing but “Ooh!Look at me, I have an opinion Don’t you dare look away from me, I’ll die if the limelight fades!”
“You’ll be back, I have a national audience and I am not too concerned that many Affirmation members have defected from my camp.”
Wow, arrogant much? I’ll be laughing all the way to the cemetery when your small star burns out Mr. Fales, and you eat the barrel of a gun because you’re left with nothing but an empty life no longer worth living.
Do the gay community a favor…butch up, go back to pretending to be straight, repent and re join the mormon church, because we don’t want your egotistical twink ass on our team..I take that back, calling you a twink is an insult to twinks.