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Another Victim Bites the Dust
By Steven Fales | July 21, 2010
Another Prince in Zion died recently of the disease of self-pity and victimization. He off’d himself at the ripe old age of accountability — 28. I’m angry about it. I’m sad that he is gone. But I’m angry at the reaction. What did they do here in Utah? They held a candlelight vigil in his honor up at the Utah State Capital. His death is being used as a political weapon. An opportunity to create an enemy. Rubbish.
Look brothers and sisters, Todd Ransom (and two others recently) was not a hero. Taking your life drunk on self-pity is the ultimate in narcissistic “Look at me, I’m gay!” I’m sorry, but there actually are a lot of resources here in Utah–especially when you have rubbed shoulders with gay Utah royalty. Couldn’t he call Reed Cowan or Carol Lynn Pearson and get a little help? Affirmation? Trevor Project? University of Utah Medical Center? Any dozen affirming churches in the valley? A 12-step program? How about that nice bar owner? Wasn’t there a sweet and capable Lesbian available at the LGBT Center? Was there not a single family member to call? There are so many questions I would like to ask him. But ours has become a community of drunks — drunk on self-pity. AND THOSE WHO INADVERTENTLY ENABLE IT AND COVERTLY ENDORSE IT. ”Poor me, poor me, poor me another drink of hopelessness. BANG!”
Am I being harsh? Good. Stuart Matis is not a hero either. We need to stop making him a legend. Are you listening Affirmation? (No more vigils!) He was not well. But the LDS Church did not kill him. HE KILLED HIMSELF. In an histrionic fit of melodramatic theatrics and literal pyrotechnics. What a pathetic one-man show, Stuart. You’ve got them all writing about you now. (I’m even writing about you now!) And following you to the afterlife. Has your blood bath made a difference? Or did you and yours and admirers (what irresistible material!) glamorize self-slaughter to the point that it is still happening attached with little notes that resemble bad lyrics. Stuart, I hold you accountable. Killing yourself is a form of insanity. You were insane. You are not the leadership we need today.
Vigils should be held for real heroes when they are murdered or assassinated, not for the whimpers of those who sell out. Todd Ransom is not Matthew Sheppard or Harvey Milk. He obviously needed help. He didn’t get it. And it is not the Mormon Church’s fault like recent angry blogs are stating. Any professional would steer it away from that dead end conclusion. Blaming Mormons lets all these gay suicides off the hook. That will kill us faster than the wicked, sinister Mormons. There are plenty of compassionate people within the Church that could have helped him. And where was the gay community? Indeed, are our young men killing themselves because of the “evil” Mormon Church (as Bruce Bastian recently called it), or is it because the gay world is often a dangerous and hostile place?
Every time I smoked crystal meth I was a victim, killing myself. Every time I sat on a raw cock, I was killing myself. Every time I turned a trick to pay child support years ago, I was a victim. Every time I was a “victim” I was killing myself. Being a victim is not sexy, people! I would like us to ask ourselves as a community what is our part? And a sentimental, sophomoric, naive, and intellectually stunted play or daft documentary about gay Mormon suicide that let’s the “hero” off the hook written by a straight carpetbagger or opportunistic fame-monger here and there is not gonna solve it. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE THEY KILL THEMSELVES NOT AFTER. And it starts with not being a victim or participating in vigils that perpetuate the victimization mentality and myth. Let the dead bury their dead. And let their families deal with this tragic loss and business and hold vigils if they wish. We have work to do. And love to make. And life to live. And children to help. We need to be of service. Not hold services for selfishness. The days of mass burials are over!
I AM NOT A VICTIM. NOT EVEN OF H8! To borrow from Shakespeare, “The truth, Dear Brutus, is not in the Mormons, but in ourselves that we are underlings.”
Be very afraid. Suicide begets suicide. I remember overdosing on GHB shortly after Brokeback Mountain’s Heath Ledger’s “overdose”. Luckily I am still here with a $15,000 hospital bill to prove it. Marie Osmond’s son just jumped out a ten-story window stone cold sober last March. Who followed after?
I say these things in the name of my two beautiful gay/bi-sexual male cousins who killed themselves: Jonathan Fales (37) who was found hanging after four days last March in Palm Springs; and Trevor Andersen (23) who blew his head off in a Southern Utah canyon over a decade ago. I love you both. I have wept over you, but you are not my heroes. You are sad and pathetic reminders of what can happen if I allow victim-thinking to consume me and if I do not ask for help. And keep asking until I get it. I regret not attending either of your funerals, but I had (and have) a life to attend to. And it’s not easy, but I keep going. One day at a time. Amen.
Topics: Steven Fales | 42 Comments »
July 21st, 2010 at 10:43 am
It could be that some or all of these suicides are tied to clinical depression which is a form of insanity. What these men learn in their Mormon culture about their sexuality must only add situational depression heaped on top of the clinical depression illness.
July 21st, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Amen and so well spoken
July 21st, 2010 at 5:13 pm
Steve, this is one case where I agree with you. Psychologists tell us that the more we worship suicide victims the more of them there will be next week. Quoting, with reluctance, Oprah: “You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming something or somebody else foryour dysfunction. Life is really about moving on.”
July 22nd, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Thank You for standing up for what is really the issue behind this! I’m not eloquent with my words and it’s hard to express opinions, but you just said everything perfectly. It’s frustrating to hear this outrageous blame on the LDS church, the church is not going to change it’s doctrine because of suicides.
July 22nd, 2010 at 1:38 pm
I disagree. The vigil was about, not only Todd Ransom, but all the other LGBT LDS suicides. How do you know if Todd looked for help? If he did, did those orgs. help him? (I know Affirmation’s YA person, Robert Moore, is in it for the ego.) What about his family? Were they the type open to change or so stuck in their ways that any help would be hopeless?
Was suicide Todd’s only option or even the correct one? No! But, we shouldn’t be harsh like you’re being, Steven. Totally uncalled for!
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:32 pm
SHAME ON YOU!
That was not only tasteless, but disgusting!! A family has lost a member. A community has lost a friend. Depression is a sad disease that the LDS church wants people to PRAY HARDER to get better! BULL SHIT.
No one is worshiping sucided here. You LDS people (I am a FORMER, raised by pioneer stock) are the most judgmental people on this earth!
Again, SHAME ON YOU…think about what you are really saying…..what your not saying is COMPASSION
disgusting!
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:33 pm
You sir, are ignorant and heartless.
I’m ashamed you are a fellow gay Mormon.
Would Jesus speak the way you just did about people in pain??
You wouldn’t understand Christianity if it smacked you across the face.
Very disgusted to have read this. Enemies within our own family.
Brutal.
Phil
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:58 pm
“Unconditional Love” is just a form of enabling in these here them darn parts. And I’m not really a gay Mormon, I’m Episcopalian by the way. Mormonism isn’t the only answer. And neither is suicide. If any of you want to feel better go read “Facing East”. I’m sure it will make as big a splash as “8: The Mormon Proposition” (starring Stuart Matis) when it becomes a movie. But don’t see “Confessions of a Mormon Boy”. You’ll just want to stop wearing your hairpiece and stop being a victim. What’s the only acceptable Mormon wine? “Oh, can’t we go back to Utah — and kill ourselves?”
Dry your eyes, Sons and Daughters of the Utah Pioneers. And move the wagons ahead. We won’t be circling them tonight. We’ve got work to do. Put your shoulder to the wheel. And watch out for those buffalo chips because I call bullshit. My condolences to the family of the deceased. But none else. 28 and unchecked for bi-polar disorder or depression or anxiety? Is the church to blame for all mental illness?
July 22nd, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Steven, what did YOU think about yourself when you read Spencer Kimball, Chapter 6, Crime Against Nature”"
(The Miracle of Forgiveness)?
When I read it, I was embarrassed to tears. I was stabbed in my heart, and I wanted to die.
No, I didn’t kill myself, and most of us gay Mormon boys don’t.
But we’re not all as strong, are we?
IMO, at least PARTIAL blame lies at the feet of the “prophets” who brainwashed us into thinking that there is only one way (theirs) to be happy.
July 22nd, 2010 at 3:38 pm
I guess I can’t judge Todd. After all, we were Facebook friends. And it’s not my place to judge him just because there is a beer in EVERY OTHER PICTURE! Whoa!
But we should stop holding vigils. It makes him look like St. Todd. Not healthy. Not healthy for us as a community at all.
And I’m sorry that many of you have a problem with my timing. But I seem to recall when a certain right-wing gay hating minister died. Gay organizations were the first to criticize him immediately after he stopped breathing.
“I am only doing that which has been done in other worlds.” And if you can identify that phrase, gay LDS scholars, please don’t reference any holes in my doctrine. Wasn’t I married to a woman who’s mother is Sunstone’s poster child? I think I know a bit about the issues. I’m not from Utah. I have come back here from the gay ghetto trenches. And I’m a little alarmed at the sentimental insanity that is going on here.
July 22nd, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Ok Steven,
You asked for it. I’ve watched you self destruct for too long and become a shadow of who you could have become and I’m done.
Your words were motivated by nothing more than jealousy that you have somehow become something less than the “spokesperson” for Mormon gay America.
Your words come from a pool of vitriol for Carol Lynn and Emily and your own family who knows of your selfish self-destruct.
Nowhere is altruism.
Nowhere is spirit.
The vigil was organized by Eric Ethington, a friend of mine–So I know a little something about the motives behind it. People close to Todd and the others were devastated.
They were hurting.
They held the vigil because they felt the loss so keenly that all they could do was come together, light a candle, and BE together in their grief.
They called for more attention to the troubling trend of suicide among young gay LDS men and women.
To tread on the intentions of this gathering or any gathering like it is cruel.
Your readers would be well-informed to know what really motivates you.
You are a bitter queen whose star is fading amidst a back-drop of people who are seeing you for what you are.
You are a user whose friendships are limited to what others can do for you.
You are a liar whose show leaves out several key truths and leaves the audience thinking you are a sainted father who got a second chance to be with his children and “do the right thing.”
NOT.
Wanna fill in the blanks for those who ARENT in the know, Brother Fales?
I’ve got your number. Shall I go on? Or shall I leave it to you to say what is REALLY going on in your own life to make you so angry, so bitter as to attack those who are hurting by the death of a young man?
I dont know why I’m wasting my time on you. You’re an admitted drug addict and former prostitute.
You are a pathetic father.
And I know the plight of your own children in the wake of your miserable and selfish life.
Why would I justify your rant with a response? I guess because it’s fucking time someone does.
Steven–do the right thing in the quiet recesses of your personal life.
Maybe then you wont be so motivated to do something so wrong as attack those who hurt in a public way.
Reed Cowan
Director, 8: The Mormon Proposition
July 22nd, 2010 at 4:43 pm
I know Affirmation is angry about this post, but I have to agree with it whole-heartedly. A victim attitude will get you no where but exactly where Todd Ransom just landed. I was there myself once but a wise old lesbian looked me in the eye as I sobbed and begged for pity. Instead of giving me those things she simply said, “GET OVER IT.”
And I did. Tough love saved my life and I will always be its fan.
And now methinks I’m a bit of a Steven Fales fan as well.
July 22nd, 2010 at 4:53 pm
I was sickened by this blog post. I have lost a cousin and an uncle to suicide. I had someone I dated attempt suicide. A suicide is not an opportunity to blame the victim. Utah leads the nation in suicide among young men – probably because they are gay and their family and their religion would hate them if they come out.
July 22nd, 2010 at 5:48 pm
To be honest, I find this a little hit and miss. I agree portions of the activist community take unseemly advantage of tragic deaths, but blaming the dead seems to miss the point somewhat. When someone is clinically depressed they are suffering from mental illness. To blame them for not acting the way a “normal” person would act by getting help seems a little silly.
The culture of homophobia does contribute to the environment which makes the depressed more at risk of suicide. That’s something that should be addressed. Endless candlelight vigils might not be the way, but what do you suggest?
July 22nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I have one question, did you attend the vigil? If not, what purpose do you have to say what EVERYONE’S purpose was at the vigil? I had close friends there; I know there purpose wasn’t to make a political stance. There purpose was to honor the memory of a friend and family member. Other people may have taken their perspectives out of it that were there, but at least they were there. I have no place to talk about the purpose of the vigil, because I didn’t attend and you shouldn’t either. Whether people make them a “hero” or not is insignificant to the fact that a family lost a member, people lost their friend. That’s what my friends were there to mourn, and celebrate his life. Whether he committed suicide or died of cancer, he is gone and people have the right to memorialize them.
What is the point of sharing your indiscretion to make a point? Whether you believe in vigils or not, there is no need to describe you turning tricks and comparing it to them. You didn’t know them I assume, so you had no clue if they turned tricks, did drugs, or sat on raw cocks. You implying that it’s one in the same is asinine. If in fact you want to make a point with weight, leave yourself out of it. It does nothing to help your case.
That being said, we do need to work more on prevention in our community. We as a world are losing too many people to suicide, but it’s impossible to stop every death by sending them to get help from any kind of royalty. It also doesn’t help to attack people in mourning. To those that are struggling here with the deaths of their families and friends, it’s fine to mourn and lash out. No the Church didn’t kill him, but they didn’t help. There are many members who are supportive of their families and friends, but even more that misconstrue the doctrine and interpret it so that it becomes a weapon. It hurts, as I sure you know.
To take a page from your argumentative stance, I have many friends and family in the church that is supportive of me for me. I love them and they love me. In the same right I lost a lot of “friends and family”. Being told that I was or had a demon in me, that if I marry a girl it would fix me, or maybe if I go to the “therapy” that would get the gay out of me. I was driven to take my life at one point. I wasn’t well but I was driven there. I made it through and found myself, unfortunately not everyone does. So we honor their lives so that people can see they were loved.
I’m sure you are a good person, but you are as jaded as a lot of people on the opposite plane. You need to take a look at the world we live in. There is a lot of pain and suffering going on around us, and if people don’t find an outlet to get it out, it bottles and creates the same problems our community is facing. If you can’t be a supporter or offer a valid and valuable solution, Go on and live your life without selfishly attacking those who are trying.
July 22nd, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Steven,
You have NO right to judge ANYONE. You have been a drug addict, prostitute and the worst that the gay community has to offer. You say “Taking your life drunk on self-pity is the ultimate in narcissistic “Look at me, I’m gay!”” Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your WHOLE CAREER based “look at me, I’m Gay!” SO, I call bullshit.
You have NO ROOM to talk about narcissism. this whole post is one giant bunch of shit designed to bring attention to YOU, again I call Narcissism. I will concede, he killed himself, but the Mormon Church is culpable in his death because as an organization because they preach intolerance from the top down.
Why you would defend them and say that they have no responsibility is beyond me; You sound like all these other gay Mormon boys I know who think that the Mormon Church’s promotion of bigotry and hatred toward certain groups of people can be overlooked because they do good in other aspects.
I will leave you with a quote that I believe in and that I try to live by, which the Mormon church is NOT abiding by: “And it harm non, do as thou wilt.” I will close now before I say anything about you that is not nice.
July 22nd, 2010 at 7:29 pm
When I read your blog entry, I see nothing but sadness coming from you. Every paragraph is plagued by fear and insecurity. Almost like you are screaming from within the page ” stop looking at them, and look at me!!!”
I can only speak for myself….but being LDS / gay and also someone that tried to commit suicide twice….it has nothing do with with being selfish or feeling a victim. I can guarantee you of that.
People that do things as drastic as taking their own life is almost always for one reason – they feel like they have come to the end of a road of which there is no more light. They have tried all other routes on the road, followed any other road sign possible and even a few times, went off the road and went for a hike up a trail better suited for a mountain goat.
The first time I tried to commit suicide was because my family told me that I wasn’t worth anything – and I believed them. Certainly no one would know you better than your parents, right? I wasn’t worth anything because I chose to live a life that would ultimately end me up either HIV+ / dead and most certainly in hell.
The 2nd time was because my partner of 4 years was hit by a drunk driver while crossing the street in front of me. I watched him die in my arms…… I didn’t know how to make my life continue – and I didn’t want it to continue without him. I never taught myself how to live without him by my side.
Neither one of those are victim, nor are they me screaming for attention or anything else.
I have read the accounts of Stuart Matis – I have heard about him from the stories of Emily Pearson & Reed Cowan ( both amazing people filled with such love ). He wasn’t screaming for attention either. He was another guy living on this planet facing a lot of the same thoughts I was, as well as quite a few others. His story is one that SO many of us can relate to – he is a soldier that was “killed in the line of duty”.
Bluntly speaking – before you go posting about things that do not concern you, you should at least show a little respect. The only type of person that would have something so hateful to write, such as your blog, is someone that sounds like they are on a few steps away from taking a bunch of pills and calling it quits…..the only reason I can make that judgement is because I have been there.
Don’t try to slam people like Reed, Emily or Carol Lynn – I respect them dearly and would much rather spend an hour in their presence than a lifetime in yours.
July 22nd, 2010 at 9:11 pm
Shame on you, Steven. Shame on you. I’m glad I deleted your arrogant, self-serving ass off Facebook last year. Best decision of my life. I nearly succeeded at suicide years ago. Am I glad I’m alive now? Of course. But not all people can get rid of the bullshit that’s pushed into our brains by our leaders and family. Why so judgmental about people you didn’t know at all?
Because you are insecure, elitist and a piece of egotistical work.
Reed’s film has changed lives and created dialogue between me and my family.
What have your shows done, other than bring in the bucks?
I think your show needs to be protested when it comes trolling in to Salt Lake City.
Get over yourself.
July 22nd, 2010 at 9:50 pm
This is a complicated issue that a few paragraphs of rants and raves will never resolve.
Mr. Fales, the greatest weakness in your comments is the complete denial that the very social fiber of LDS life, especially in those strongholds in Utah and out west, make it difficult for any of us to be reasonable when trying to free ourselves from the many tentacles that draw us in. Especially when we are younger and have been completely brainwashed at every turn and every breath we take or song we sing.
There are many reasons for this that are obvious to all those who have left the emotional confines of the LDS Church or those of us raised outside Utah. Perhaps, you just didn’t care to mention any of them or maybe you really don’t think they are important. Please note, it’s very important. And at the same time, it is not always obvious to those who are struggling in the moment.
You make clear your point about candle vigils not being the answer; but like a good Republican, you offer nothing in terms of a better way of bringing these tragedies to the attention of the people of Utah and the Mormon Church. An idea like, during gay pride in SLC, march with banners of all the faces and names of LDS members who have committed suicide or an outdoor memorial with flyers of information that helps bridge the gap. Give us something, not just complaints.
There are many ways we can help each other and those who are just now dealing with the truths about themselves and the LDS Church. One way is to keep in touch, or keep going to church. I found that it makes me stronger in my commitment to help any who need to seek out a friend that they confide their fears and hear something positive like, “you’re okay. You know the LDS Church isn’t always honest.” And share with them books, associations and personal stories that will help them. Not to mention a safe haven from the onslaught that we have all had to deal with.
While at BYU in the late 70’s, I made two comments that found me looking at losing my scholarships, one was about depression among the LDS women (I had just moved form 3rd World USA and at 19 it was evident to me) and the other was how I felt Paul H. Dunn was a total fraud. You can only imagine how that one didn’t go over well and I moved off campus and just kept moving away… slowly.
Also Mr. Fales, you do come across very angry. Maybe because you can relate to why these people commit suicide and you as many of us are very frustrated that it continues with all the resources that are out there. Is it because we’re not approaching the situation correctly or is the LDS Church and the LDS Culture so powerful, that we haven’t effectively helped them (the LDS/BYU Cultures) deal with their demons more honestly.
When I first read your blurb (it was emailed to me); I thought it was written by a cold callous LDS man. Imagine my surprise as I continued to read that you have had your own bouts. Where is your compassion? Might it be that those in your world gave you little compassion? My friend, we all have a lot to give to each other and just a limited time to do so. Practice those tenants in your life that make you feel like a better person and share them with us as well. You’ll find more bees coming back for your sweetness!
We all can be more effective with this issue if we effectively and compassionately speak the truth to all our LDS friends, and their friends, by putting friendly pressure on them to see how they have been taught to demonize those who are different, especially those within “the fold.” We should help educate each other with stories, resources, blogs, etc. that have been effective in helping ourselves, our friends and our family members become more honest of the inequities in organize religion, and specifically the LDS Church and the folks at BYU.
I am fond of telling my LDS friends about the gay guys at BYU. I especially like telling it to them when they tell me they don’t want to hear it. I quickly quip, “Oh yes you do! Because you have a daughter or a younger sister who will be at BYU and will be dating one of those BYU gay boys.” Then I tell them about a guy who tells his Bishop he thinks he is gay. But the bishop tells him not to worry go on a mission, he’s going through a phase. Before his mission he attends BYU. He tells his BYU Bishop and receives the very same admonition. And he hears it yet again from his Stake President. And eventually is on his happy go lucky way to the MTC. On his mission he tells his Mission President and upon finishing his mission, attends BYU where he is admonished that all is well and he will meet a beautiful young woman and “the Lord has his way of changing things.” Of course this doesn’t happen, EVER! The young man meets a young lady. His Bishop tells him to tell her nothing of his concerns. So does his Mission President and Stake President and any and all his “church leaders”.
“He marries YOUR daughter! He lies to your daughter from the very beginning, with the blessing of his Bishop and all his leaders. He is worthy and has a temple recommend. 5 Years after marriage he and your daughter have 4 lovely kids… and guess what? He’s still gay!”
I inform them that this has happened many times at BYU and many other places throughout the LDS world and the LDS Church leaders know it to be so. And that the LDS Church leaders continue to lie and it will effect your daughter and your grandchildren, because he will leave her and their children because he wants his children to be honest and realizes that he himself needs to be honest.
Always when I have this conversation, it makes them think a lot. The questions are interesting as well. But what’s best is when you hear the women speak up and start telling their stories of how a Bishop or Stake President lied to them or had their husband lie to them, or perhaps know another woman who lived through a similar story.
These are the kinds of personal stories I tell my LDS friends and non-LDS friends to help them see how these things happen within the BYU/LDS world. One little story that they can relate to; and little by little we can convert our LDS friends with compassion. It’s the best way to fight the hate that is subtly their within the social fiber of the BYU/LDS world and ourselves.
It would be great to hear of other stories that have been likewise effective to / for others. Making this a more positive forum on this issue with something we can all share with others with a modicum of success for better results in the future.
As I said, it’s complicated and will never be “fixed” by just complaining.
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Reed Cowan…. What a negative, hateful comment. Just because you personally have a different opinion, doesn’t mean someone else’s opinion is wrong. Different doesn’t mean worse. One of the great benefits of this post is it has us talking about a very important issue.
One of the great lessons I have learned in life is that we see others the way we ourselves are. In other words what we do and say is merely a reflection of who we are and not who we talk about. What does that say about you?
1. You accusing Steven of self destructing.
2. You accuse Steven of being jealous, his words are not true to the gay Mormon community.
3. I’m not going to comment on the vitriol for Carol Lynn and Emily since I know what ex-wive are capable of.
4. Altruism and spirit? Steven has touched a nerve and people are seeing that we need to have tough love and not enable self defeating behavior.
5. I’m sure the candlelight vigil was motivated by honest grief people wanting to do the right thin. Too many people are trying to do the right thing and only enable bad behavior. Suicide is not good behavior. We shouldn’t make people a martyr when they see themselves as a victim. The real heroes are the ones who break out and realize that it is not someone else’s fault but our own choices that have brought us here. We are personally responsible ourselves. How many other people, when they are depressed and are not getting the attention they desire, will look to Todd and Stuart and in their own mind say “I’ll show them, I’ll finally get the attention I deserve and everyone will be sad when I’m gone, I’ll show them.” We’ve all been there, but did we commit suicide, not if we are reading this blog we didn’t.
6. You criticize Steven and yet his post has brought attention to the “troubling trend of suicide among young gay LDS men and women.”
7. His treading on then intentions of the gathering as being cruel. What he did was very courageous to speak out his mind to help people see that we need to quit enabling suicide by honoring it.
8. You call Steven a bitter queen and a fading star, remember what we say is more a reflection ourselves than what we say about others.
9. Are you a loser. struggling with friendships? I can’t even become a Facebook friend with Steven he has too many so he doesn’t seem to be struggling with friendships. I’ve seen the reviews of his play and see that he is starting off with a second play soon.
10. We all hide some things, but I would be hard pressed to say that Steven’s play doesn’t show who he is and what he has done very honestly.
11. At lease Steven is trying to take advantage of a second chance with his children. I have to applaud him for that.
So you think you should tell everyone what is going on in Steven’s life. It seems to me you have merely told everyone what is going on in your life.
Be careful what you say and write, it may come back to haunt you.
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:08 pm
Why was the vigil held at the state capitol? Any life lost is tragedy and there needs to be respectful time to honor and morn the loss of a loved one. To the extent that anyone would dishonor the grief and mourning process is shameful.
But why a vigil at the state capitol? To draw attention to what exactly?
The extent we portray mental illness and suicide from the perspective of being a victim of the LDS church helps no one and does nothing to prevent the next one. What happens in a few weeks when someone else takes their life? Another vigil another candle? Keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same result week after week, while hoping for a different outcome should tell us something.
I’m saddened by this loss and others that I have personally known, but the efforts need to be directed at reaching the next person in crisis. Its time for another message than look what the big bully did to us again. See our vigil see our candles.
Depression is a treatable mental illness, suicide is an irrational act. If one needs to escape from enmeshment in an abusive situation, then we folks need to learn how to use those tools.
Blame ain’t working…
Steven’s recovery message came through at least to me… Lets not be so co-dependent and in denial that we refuse to change the things we can, accept the things we cannot.. and try and gain some wisdom to know the difference.
July 23rd, 2010 at 4:13 am
Just because a person’s a Facebook ‘friend’ doesn’t mean they’re really a friend. They’re just a person whom you clicked ‘approve’.
Reed, you hit it right on the button!
Steven, you’re a perfect example of what the ‘biz can do to people. That’s why I stopped pursuing it. You have/had the potential to be a great guy, but you stooped low to get attention. While, yes, you gave me free passes to your gigs, I don’t want anything free (or anything at all) that comes from someone with no sympathy or compassion. I’m done with you, Steven. I’ll take Emily and CLP’s side.
July 23rd, 2010 at 8:30 am
I have never met Steven and I hope I never do. I’d probably end up socking him in the face…and I’m a pacifist!! But in his case, I’d be willing to forego my integrity and just beat the shit out of him. I’ve been Emily’s friend (Steven’s ex, and mother of their children) since 1988. I’ve been with Emily while she screamed and freaked out about Steven’s crystal meth addiction. I was there the night around Christmas when Emily’s children called her (they were staying with Steven because unbelievably he has visitation rights), sobbing because their father was using drugs again, had gotten totally F**KED UP, and was abusing them horribly. Steven is a mess and for him to self-righteously criticize Todd Ransom for drinking beer and blame him for being suicidal is just unconscionably hypocritical.
July 23rd, 2010 at 8:37 am
You are a disgusting and pathetic man!
For the sake of your children, I hope they NEVER look at you as an example of what or how a human being should be or act.
July 23rd, 2010 at 9:08 am
Steven, I’m sorry we share the same name. You are stupid, despite your knowledge. You have had every chance to do it right, and you have chosen to screw up your life. Even after you decided not to screw it up in some ways, you still choose to be as theatrical as the people you condemn in this post.
Nobody sane wants to be like you. May God change your stony heart.
July 23rd, 2010 at 10:58 am
Do you also blame victims of rape?
Asshole.
July 23rd, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Mr. Fales, as to your comment “ultimate in narcissistic” you should know.
July 24th, 2010 at 2:54 am
I was deeply saddened to hear the news about Todd. I do not know the circumstances and cannot comment further than to say that it is always a tragedy when we lose good people to suicide unncessarily. Having read Todd’s obituary, it seemed that he was a bright young man with a full future ahead of him.
Steven’s post speaks for itself. It seemed like a jealous rant from someone whose star is fading; someone who is looking to hang onto the spotlight anyway that he can even if it means besmirching the memory of a stranger.
I was never impressed with Steven or the bad choices that he made in his life, and his caustic comments about the death of a man–as well as those who mourn him– leave even less to admire. I hope Steven finds the peace that he is looking for in his life, but that peace likely will not be found on stage, on a streetcorner, or in a blog.
July 24th, 2010 at 11:22 am
re: Karl Bennion–you don’t know what you’re talking about. NO idea. So shut it.
As for Mr. Fales? Methinks I smell a bitter ex who’s upset that the spotlight no longer (if it ever did) rests on him. Narcissism is pretty easy to spot in someone so devoid of compassion.
July 24th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Everyone seems to want to attack the messenger and not the message! Are any of us any better than the messenger if all we can contribute is more of “the same”.
Show your compassion, inject your creative and good ideas to address some of the issues brought to the table to make it a better world for all of us, but especially those that would benefit the most NOW!
I would love to meet all of you and discuss everything that’s been brought to light, except for Mr. Bales personal life and decisions. At the same time, THANK YOU! Mr. Bales for at least providing this forum. To bad it’s turned into an attack on you instead of an opportunity to attack issues that really can and do effect all of us an dour friends.
July 25th, 2010 at 4:10 am
[...] Swearing Elders argue that the CoJCoL-dS is not doing its image a favor. However, TGD points us to the controversy (over questionable taste and who’s the drama [...]
July 25th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Reed and JulieAnn… Don’t take my word, Don Miguel Ruiz in his best selling book “The Four Agreements” says, “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. ” I’m just trying to put Reed’s attack in proper perspective. It was vicious, hateful and more about him than about Steven.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:37 am
[...] can see Mr. Fales’ post at his website, mormonboy.com, written on 7/21/10. And just in case he deletes it, I’ve copied it over to scribd [...]
July 27th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
In my view who better than to call it like it is, someone who has been through recovery and has a better understanding of honest victimization. Comparing rape to suicide? C’mon now, get real. Suicide is not a random act of violence either.
The best one I’ve heard is you don’t understand “I was disowned by my family cuz I’m gay, so suicide is understandable.” What about domestic violence, drug or alcohol addiction? I’m ill because of what someone else is doing. What a message. Mormons love resentment, anger and blame. Yeah I got a raw deal or my raw deal is worse than your raw deal… wow. I’m owed or entitled to a better life, I was promised a rose garden in the pre-existence, now look at me.
July 27th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
Who better than to call it like it is, someone who has been through recovery and has a better understanding of honest victimization. Comparing rape to suicide? C’mon now, get real. Suicide is not a random act of violence either.
The best one I’ve heard is you don’t understand “I was disowned by my family cuz I’m gay, so suicide is understandable.” What about domestic violence, drug or alcohol addiction? I’m ill because of what someone else is doing. What a message. Mormons love resentment, anger and blame. Yeah I got a raw deal or my raw deal is worse than your raw deal… wow. I’m owed or entitled to a better life, I was promised a rose garden in the pre-existence, now look at me.
July 27th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Steven –
The “Prince of Zion” or “St Todd” that you refer to in your blog was my friend. He was one of the kindest, most genuine people that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. With Todd, what you saw is what you got. There were no masks and there were no filters. He had the ability to bring a smile to my face when I was feeling down. He was someone with whom I shared my most personal and intimate feelings, thoughts and experiences. He was stubborn and drove me crazy sometimes. I loved him.
This past week has been incredibly difficult for those of us who knew and loved Todd – his friends and his family. We’ve been struggling to process his suicide and to come to grips with the fact that he was ripped out of our lives by his own hand.
Your blog doesn’t help.
We knew and loved Todd. You didn’t. How dare you accuse him of being drunk on self-pity and that he is the ultimate narcissistic “Look at me I’m gay”? You have no idea what Todd was like, his personal struggles (which I will not go into here), what he thought or what he was feeling when he chose to end his life.
I’ve seen your show and I’ve spoken with you on several occasions. If memory serves, you weren’t too far away from following the same the path that Todd chose so I’m a bit surprised by the coldness of your judgement and utter lack of compassion for Todd, his friends or his family.
Once again, you never knew Todd. Please don’t presume to know what he was thinking, the kind of person that he was or try to belittle him in his death. It’s insulting. And your comments say much more about your own personal character than they do about Todd.
July 27th, 2010 at 11:06 pm
All I have to say is, I agree with Steven. If someone feels like the victim for so long they will crumble and take their own lives because they are not strong enough to get through it.
July 28th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Don’t all of us here want the same thing, really? I think Stephen is attempting to make some potentially useful points. It’s a harsh message and “a spoonful of sugar [or compassion, certainly would have helped] the medicine go down” but however hurtfully Stephen said it, it seems that what he’s really trying to say is that he doesn’t want to see more people get hurt. Sadly it seems that some have focused on the manner rather than message and have reacted by launching their own counter-attacks meant to hurt.
Honestly, I think we are all on the same side. We want for everyone to be happy and feel accepted and NOT for people (that means ANYONE: Stephen, Reed, CLP, or Todd) to feel like killing themselves.
Have your comments shown your intentions? This is an emotional issue, of course but let’s speak as kindly and treat each other as gently as we possibly can, since we each feel alone, hopeless and friendless sometimes. Let’s not decide who deserves to feel that way and make sure that they do; let’s instead be the ones who try to understand and to be a friend.
July 30th, 2010 at 1:47 am
“You have no idea what Todd was like, his personal struggles (which I will not go into here), what he thought or what he was feeling when he chose to end his life.”
Indeed a sad loss, and no disrespect to the mourning process, but is there another message that needs to get out? Mental illness and depression is treatable, there are signs that we can all do a better job of being aware of. Suicide is an irrational act in desperation. The message of no one knows how bad a person felt when they chose to end their life, is not a message of hope, nor is it mentally healthy for survivors or the next “victim” to see this as a rational alternative to treatment.
August 2nd, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Man alive Steven Fales sounds like a Republican. I agree with Reid Cowan. Also Reid is not a victim at all. His process and his road he is taking is his and not Steven’s road and it is a very triumphant and victorious road. There is a healthy balance in how one responds to death by suicide, etc. The way Steven has responded is definitely not helpful but is actually divisive and harmful.
I’m very sure that Judy Shepard would agree with Reid Cowan’s approach. Her humble yet very consistent climb toward the Byrd Shepard Act that was signed by the President is a true and powerful victory far greater and lasting than any play Steven or film Reid have done and yes millions took part in vigils for Matt and his memory is powerful! Of course Matt did not commit suicide but knowing Matt and knowing Matt’s mother I know that she would want us to keep the vigils alive and powerful as they bring forth awareness of the wrongness and unhealthiness of hate filled anti-gay religious and cultural conditioning. Depression can be a serious and legitimate illness. To make the glib and self-righteous judgments against these people who commit suicide only harms. It does not help. Tough love has its limits and extremes but it has to be used in the proper context.
Also major depression is not rational. That’s the issue. There is no rationality for what is going on. One has to experience it in order to begin to understand it. Yes there is treatment but not all people can afford that treatment and not all people know where to find it. Also psychological treatment is not a one size fits all treatment either. What works for one person may not work for another. I found it through Lucinda Bassets Attacking Anxiety and Depression program which is a phenomenal program. I did not even need any medication either. That’s my own personal journey and the process worked for me very well.
August 4th, 2010 at 11:15 pm
Really? You have the Nerve to talk like that about my Uncle Todd? Steven What gives you the right to judge him? He wasn’t saying “poor me” and he never played the “Poor me” either! He lived life to the fullest! and he was and is my hero, he still helped me through everything and was always there for me. He is still my hero because he is my guardian angel. So what’s your definition of a “hero”? Superman? Batman? you sure made a big fool out of yourself.
Were you at the vigil? yeah I don’t think you were, because if you was there then you would know that it had nothing to do with going against the Mormons. It was all about my Uncle Todd! I AM VERY OFFENDED BY WHAT YOU WROTE!
One more question, what make s you think your any better? You have a Lot of problems, you seem like one of those people who need all the attention and if you don’t get the attention, then you have nothing better to do with your life then to sit down and write a bunch of bullshit and hate mail! Your Pathetic!
August 22nd, 2010 at 7:03 pm
I hope Steven that you are seriously considering ending your shows, removing yourself from the public eye and taking down this web site.
I think you need to have as little public attention as possible to work on yourself.
ANDY – Salt Lake, UT