Excommunication — Ten Year Anniversary

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Excommunication — Ten Year Anniversary

By Steven Fales | July 16, 2010

Today marks the ten year anniversary of when I was tried as a homosexual and formally excommunicated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Sandy, Utah (a suburb of Salt Lake City). I have posted the my excommunication letter in this blog and it is re-printed exactly in my book Confessions of a Mormon Boy: Behind the Scenes of the Off-Broadway Hit.

My solo play, Confessions of a Mormon Boy, was written to expose the overt spiritual abuse I experienced when I was hauled in when I volunteered to the bishop that I had been experimenting by fooling around with a few married men. After all the therapy I’d done to be straight. I have straight family members who could run circles around any extra-marital sex I’d had up until then, and who have never been excommunicated and never will because they are straight and they defend absolutely the Mormon belief that the angel, Moroni, gave golden plates to Joseph Smith, and that the fictional Book of Mormon is more correct that the bible (and that’s just the beginning!). And that homosexuality from feelings to deeds are an abomination.

My excommunication was a defining moment in my life. Nothing would ever be the same again. A heretic was created; a human being was re-born. As I was spiritually “raped” by the brethren that day, I experienced a grace that I never knew could be mine. And though it still took me several years to find my sea legs, I ultimately learned to spiritually walk again. I am in awe of the journey. I believe I have been guided and led. Something has kept me alive even when I was in the gutter. I choose to call that magnanimous omni-something God. I never forgot the spiritual experience I unexpectedly had at the end of my church court. Even when I lost it all. Within a month I was divorced, lost custody of my kids. I spiraled out of control. I slammed the door on religion. I converted to the Church of Me. But bidden or unbidden, God is present. And whatever that force is, it watched over me until I was able to return. Not to Mormonism, but something so much bigger than any religion can even define. Words can’t define. But experience can teach.

Once I was excommunicated, I never knew I’d experience the indignities I have suffered. But falling from grace was the only way to return to true Grace. The grace we all deserve for being human and signing up for this impossible task of earth life. I often make light of the journey, but it has been the most profoundly painful experience, but the road back to God has been most miraculous.

Why is it important for me to acknowledge this date? It is good for me to see how far I have come. And to see what a gift my excommunication was. I wouldn’t have been able to leave the fold on my own. I would have stayed trapped. And this new mission I’ve been on would never have been possible. I am here to help others who have experienced Post Traumatic Spiritual Disorder. You are not alone. You will be more than okay in the end — AS LONG AS YOU DON’T SELF-DESTRUCT FIRST. When we self-destruct, we let them be right. Right about everything. And if you are into “revenge”, remember that revenge is a dish best served cold. Don’t go out in a blaze or fire or as a steamy hot mess! “Vengence is the Lord’s; He does it BETTER!” Go for forgiveness and generosity of spirit. Tell your story detached, and it will land to serve the greater good.

God loves you. And if you don’t believe in God, some of us love you, too.

My mind goes to all those who have been excommunicated or dis-fellowshipped by churches and any system they once loved and served including the military. Especially family members who have been burned at the stake by the church’s arbitrary, clumsy, and insideous disciplinary policies. These are not “Courts of Love”, they are opportunities to control and shame people — which spiritually fractures them and often ruins their lives, their relationships, their careers. It is indeed like being spiritually soul-murdered. Those who apologize and justify and uphold the church’s sacred ordinance of excommunication must not be let off the hook. They are as guilty as those who officially sit in judgment. There silence condones the practice and this is a sin of omission. Question excommunication of your brothers and sisters. There is only one Judge. And no man or woman on earth has the authority to stand in judgment of me or anyone else. Indeed, my excommunication tempts me to excommunicate others from my life. I must always strive to never slam the door shut, unless they are truly toxic or dangerous.

One such fellow was a Mormon man I was dating. He chastised me for complaining about being excommunicated. I was dumbfounded. He apologized for the church. He had no idea what he was talking about. I had no choice but to end the relationship. I am not here to wallow in my excommunication. I am here to transcend it. Would you ever ask someone who was sexually abused to “just get over it?” If someone had written a solo show about being abused, raped, incested, would you ask them to stop? I would never toss someone’s abuse. “Get over it!” Be careful how you discount someone’s experience, feelings, life with that phrase.

My work helps people get complete with their excommunications. To help them forgive. To help them move on. No, this still conflicted (self-loathing) LDS man who I loved dearly still did not get me or my work. My work challenged him to the point where he tried to inflict the shame of excommunication on me. But I wouldn’t let him. No one can do that again. I didn’t move to Manhattan to be screwed by Utah.

The red flag was clear at the beginning. He had refused to see my work even when it was in his backyard. He lived in Manhattan. And though I loved him very much, I could not be with someone who apologizes for the church’s spiritual violence first and does not support the journey his lover has traveled. I had invested too much. I had followed my heart always, not realizing where it was leading me. He didn’t understand that I had written the show for all of those in harms way — even when our perpetrators are nice and smile — and even when they are our own family members. Many gay Mormons resent other gay Mormon’s success. “Who is Steven to tell his story.” Perhaps he will tell his story. I will allow him his truth. And in the scene that follows, you will see that I have been sharing my truth. We all have a story. And we all have a right and responsibility to tell our stories in our own way. Each of our stories is sacred. But excommunication is not.

I get to have boundaries. So does the Church. But we must always remember that “The Pack cannot exist without the Wolf. And the Wolf cannot exist without the Pack.”